Things have not gone the way I planned. I have made several plans over the last several months about the trajectory of my career and the expectations I have of my own writing. For one, I should have a job of some merit by now, at least an entry position that would channel me towards the right doors so that as I suffer in the drudgery of everyday, and a career that I perhaps do not like, I can at least say: I am getting there, and very soon!
This has not happened, and the job that I did have for a time, which took me a very long time to acquire, has spun me out on my ear after acquiring several companies and no longer needing my presence. It was done quickly too, without warning, as if removing a bandage or administering a shot. At the end of the day I was ushered to the back, given a check, and after a speech of platitudes and thanks sent back out to the collective to gather my things and announce my non-return in an embarrassing sort of way where no one has time to say anything very encouraging because they are too busy with their own work to pay heed. A bad break up that ended in: It’s not you, it’s us.
Well, ok. I’ve tried to look at these things optimistically. Perhaps I am taking my lumps early in order to enjoy my rewards consistently later on, or perhaps there is something about my character that warrants defeats in this way. Nevertheless I am once again scrambling for a job and feeling ever the more defeated. Sometimes I wonder the point of getting a degree, and then I remember that when I was working I wished I had more time to write or my energy to spend looking inwards at my thoughts and making them turn into something worth reading. I wished that during my time when I had not been working that I allotted more time to write instead of worrying.
I think of this now because I will lose sight of it soon. At each stage I seem to wish for something else, and I do not consider what I could be doing NOW instead of worrying and feeling trapped. There is much that I still need to do: apply to more MFA programs despite my anxiety that no one will accept me, make a plan B to study somewhere else to acquire technical skills, keep writing, keep submitting and getting encouraging rejection letters, keep my blog going as something I can at least try to cultivate and keep consistent even as I lose my head.
There are always things we can do to improve our peace of mind and encourage our future progress. Most of the time however the present is so bogged down with mentions of the past and future that it becomes forgotten until it is too late to grasp again. So let’s try not to worry and dawdle too much when there are things we can do now, and feel happy about doing.
PS Try to be happy about something for gods sake I say!